This week was a good week – until out of nowhere it was not.
Six days. I made it six days into 2017 before having my first breakdown.
I’ve been doing pretty well the past few weeks, I can’t really remember the last time I had a full on ugly-cry breakdown.
But when 8 o’clock Friday night rolled around, I found myself dissolving into tears.
I was caught in this seemingly never ending cycle of having “you’re a failure, you’re not good enough and you’re going to be stuck feeling like this forever” just repeating in my head over and over and over again.
But the thing that got to me the most was thinking about how I was waiting for something – a person, a job, a new city, something – to change how I was feeling instead of taking control to change things myself.
I’ve been in this rut for months – and really depression has been suffocating me for more than a year – but I am just now really starting to claw my way out.
Because instead of lying in the dark I lit some candles – because they make me happy. Instead of laying in the dark I am writing – I am thinking bigger and farther than my depression. Instead of lying in the dark I reached out and texted a friend to remind myself that I am not alone.
Instead of letting my first breakdown of 2017 pull me down, I am telling it to fuck off because I am stronger and better than my demons.
This is my week one Depression Report. Every weekend I’ll post an update reflecting on the past week’s triumphs and struggles. Here’s to hoping there are more triumphs than struggles this year.