I had to move back home last year after spending a few years out on my own. And the sudden intrusion on my independence has been taking a toll on me. But perhaps what’s been most damaging has been the complete lack of support from my parents.
Admittedly I’ve been dragging my feet with the job hunt. A couple of things are holding me back; most simply is the fact that I don’t have a car (which is code for I don’t know how to drive) which severely limits my options.
Honestly, I’ve been slow to getting my permit because the not driving thing is a much more acceptable answer for being stuck at home than what the truth is. The truth is I’m scared. I’m scared because if I move away to a big city for a job, I’m not all that sure I’m in a mentally stable enough place to survive on my own.
After having roommates for years, I spent some months alone in my own studio and that isolation was a huge contributor to my depression.
I’m afraid if I go back to a situation like that… well I’m afraid I’ll fall even deeper into this hole of depression and that I won’t ever be able to get out.
So I’m trying, trying to put myself back together first but it’s been so difficult. When not everyone knows that you’re breaking, it’s so easy, so easy for them to knock a piece of you down. At the beginning of the week a piece of me was knocked down. And I am trying desperately to save it.
I just hope I can put enough of myself back together before too much of me has been destroyed and I lose the strength to try.
This is my second Depression Report. The beginning of this week was not a good one. Hoping to find some rays of sunshine through the clouds.
P.S. Went on a 4 hour hike today and spotted some sunshine through the clouds.