I sat in the shower for an hour today, just to cry.
I didn’t have music playing in the shower tonight, which I usually do, and that left me alone with my thoughts in a deafening sort of silence where the only sound was the water raining down.
It wasn’t loud enough to drown out my inner monologue.
I found myself being bombarded by thoughts of “you’re a failure, you’re not good enough, you’re unwanted.”
I like to cry in the shower because the water disguises my tears and I can almost fool myself into thinking that everything is okay – that the tears aren’t real.
But they are.
I sat in the shower today and thought of my life as a sandcastle. And the waves keep coming in a destroying it and I’m trying to hold it all together, to rebuild it, with my bare hands. But I can’t quite seem to work quick enough and my hands aren’t big enough to hold it all together.
And so I cry. And I add to the water chipping away at my life with my tears.
I wish I had a moral for the story, a big lesson that I learned from my shower breakdown. But in all honesty, it was just another shower cry that will get added onto the long list of shower cries I’ve had in the past. There was nothing different or extraordinary about this one.
My eyes are tired are raw from the tears.
P.S. Your regularly scheduled newsy post will be up tomorrow! *fingers crossed*