The Depression Report: the build up of hope makes me fear the let down

I can’t even begin to describe the adrenaline rushes I have felt this week.

On Wednesday I got an email from an old mentor about a summer internship opportunity.

In a couple of months it’ll be two years since I’ve graduated from college so most internships and fellowships don’t apply to me, so my heart started racing when I saw I actually did qualify for this one.

My heart started trying to beat out of my chest when I saw the details. A summer in New York, housing arranged, travel covered plus a paid internship.

It’s perfect.

And I want it. Badly.

So the race to fill out the application began. I pulled up my resume, picked out some work examples, hunted for references and then finally got to work on an essay.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous or excited writing an essay.

The idea of this opportunity has me fired up.

But it’s also got me scared.

Because what if I don’t get it?

I’ve gone into situations similar to this before, where I’ll find an amazing position that sounds like my dream job and I’ll go into it feeling confident… only to fail terribly. I’m scared because I can already feel myself putting all my hopes and dreams and wishes and whatever else into this application, into this one program.

I’m afraid I’ll be devastated if it doesn’t happen.

I finally feel like I’m nearing a place where I’m ready to get back out there and resume my career and my life. The timing is perfect.

I’m hoping that the universe is smiling down on me and that things will work out for a change.

This is my fourth depression report. I am fired up and hopeful but also a little petrified. A lot petrified. Trying to stay positive without setting my expectations too high. Everyone wish me luck!

~ Kayla



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