I was a “late bloomer” and didn’t really start dating until my junior year of college.
I haven’t had too many successful relationships in the few years since then.
As luck and life would have it, I was never interested in the guys that actually wanted to be in committed relationships with me. I was either prematurely scared away or just missing some spark in the relationship.
I’ve always ended up falling for boys who didn’t want to commit and all those rejections eventually led me to wonder what was wrong with me.
I had an ex boyfriend that made me feel like “the crazy girlfriend” for wanting things as simple as being treated nicely, spending time together, going out and doing different things, celebrating anniversaries and birthdays. What made it worse was then seeing him do all those things for the girl he dated after me. It meant that it wasn’t that he just would never do those things, it meant that he just didn’t want to do them with me, because I wasn’t worth it to him, because I wasn’t enough or right for him.
That relationship left me feeling so small and worthless and unloveable. There were countless moments where we hurt each other, and many of those moments have done immeasurable damage to me. While a part of me will always care for him because he was my first love, I have to admit that the relationship was terribly emotionally abusive.
So much of my social anxiety where I’m worried about being unwanted and being a unburden stems from experiences in that relationship. It demolished my self confidence and self worth and even now I’m still trying to recover from that damage every day.
It’s taken more than a year of on-and-off messiness from our last real big break up for me to really admit that we wouldn’t be happy together. And it’s still taking me time to admit that it wasn’t anyone’s fault that the relationship didn’t work out. It’s failure doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. Sometimes people don’t work together and there’s nothing wrong with that. And sometimes people just aren’t good for each other.
It’s been hard watching all of my friends get into serious relationships and find the people they’re meant to be with while I’ve been all alone. It’s been hard facing big life challenges and changes and decisions without someone there right by my side to support me.
But I’ve finally admitted to myself that being with the wrong person for the sake of not being alone is a hundred times worse than being alone. I have the emotional and mental scars to prove that.