I’ve got an interesting relationship with food.
Sometimes when I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I’ll eat EVERYTHING in sight.
Sometimes when I’m upset or sad, I won’t touch food for days.
Sometimes when I’m at my lowest, I’ll purge everything that I’ve eaten.
The beginning of this blog happened during one such food fast.
My heart had been broken (once again) by an ex. I spent a whole day not eating anything. I just drank a lot of water when my stomach grumbled, because I felt so nauseous I couldn’t eat.
This pattern continued for the next few days, though I broke my fast by snacking on the occasional cookie or apple.
I felt empty and hollow.
I have such a love for food. I love trying new things and eating all sorts of cuisine. So many of my best childhood memories involve the kitchen and delicious food.
Food has become a great way to celebrate. In college, after major accomplishments, like surviving finals week or landing that internship, my friends and I would celebrate with getting a bite to eat somewhere special.
Somehow along the way, my relationship with food got dangerously intertwined with my mental health.
Depending on how mentally unbalanced I am, I will either not be able to eat or not be able to stop eating. While the height of my struggle with eating disorders was with bulimia one particular summer in high school, I still struggle with it to this day.
I’ve tried to keep a food diary using a site called myfitnesstracker.com in order to count calories to ensure that I’m not getting too much or too little. It’s one way I try to keep myself accountable for what I’m eating and not let myself slip too far one way.
When I find myself struggling to keep up with that, I found that opening up about those struggles to my close friends helped a lot. I would check in with them to make sure I was eating healthy and they would encourage me to treat my body properly.
This summer I have struggled with that greatly as my depression has settled on my heavily. I can’t tell you of a single day over the summer where I had three full healthy meals.
And it’s a cyclical system because not eating well means I have no energy which means I can’t get anything accomplished which means I feel bad about myself.
I need to find a way to bring myself back to a healthy relationship with food; where I view it not as a reward nor as an indulgence.