The Depression Report: Reflections on moving

*brushes aside layer of dust*

Oh hey there blog. Yep, I haven’t totally forgotten about you.

There’s a whole number of excuse I could give, but let’s skip to the interesting part.

Life for me has changed, quite rapidly in fact, these past couple of weeks.

I finally got a job! And I’ll be moving! Across the country. To Chicago. In just a few hours.

Can you tell I have a lot of mixed emotions?

First off the application process was amazing. I had countless interviews with the company and was eventually offered the position I wanted in two cities: Phoenix or Chicago.

So I found myself with a difficult choice: Phoenix was safe and easy and familiar. Chicago was new and exciting and scary.

I went with the scary.

And it seemed so surreal in that moment, so surreal that I haven’t really processed it. Even now as the countdown to the airport closes in on five hours, I can’t sleep. It’s all just hitting me now, the change that I’m making, the leap that I decided to take.

I’m starting to feel like I’m not as brave as I thought I was.

I said goodbye to a boy just ten minutes ago. (I know, I know. Here I am again, going on about boys. And it’s the boy.) And it was just… so much more touching and harder than I had anticipated. He was sweeter and kinder than I thought he would ever be to me again. Maybe that shows an evolution in our messy relationship. I don’t know. It left me feeling good and light with just a tinge of sadness about what I’ll be leaving behind.

Yet despite my mixed emotions, not once has it truly felt like I made the wrong choice. Even as the doubts float around in my head, the feeling in my gut tells me I’ve chosen the right path.

I’ve been going off my gut feeling a lot lately. And it’s been paying off so far. I hope it doesn’t let me down this time.

I think deep down the thing I’m most scared of is repeating the downward spiral when I made a move for a job two years ago. I got lonely, felt isolated and abandoned and fell into the deepest bout of depression I’ve had to battle thus far. Those were some of the worst months of my life and I don’t ever want to feel that way again. And I’m scared that history will repeat itself, that I’ll repeat the mistakes that I made back then and that I’ll feel it all over again.

But the circumstances have certainly changed this time. It feels different this time.

I’m a little afraid to try and sleep tonight. Because sleep will make the few hours until my flight go by faster and I’m not sure that’s something I want. I feel wide awake for some reason, like my mind doesn’t want to miss one second that it has left in Tucson.

I never thought I was be so sad to leave my hometown. After college I was so ready to get out and even just a few months ago I had the same feelings, but now that it’s literally just around the corner, I’m feeling such a nostalgic attachment to my hometown.

All the little annoyances about it have suddenly become charming. I’ve found myself desperately obsessed with the idea of filling my future home with cactuses, something to represent home, to bring me a little comfort.

This is my March Depression Report. I’m scared – no terrified – but more importantly I’m excited. And my gut is telling me I’ll be okay.

Apologies for the jumbled mess. These are just my late night stream of consciousness reflections on moving and change and life. I’m shooting for some more coherent posts in the near future.

~ Kayla

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