The Depression Report: the build up of hope makes me fear the let down

I can’t even begin to describe the adrenaline rushes I have felt this week.

On Wednesday I got an email from an old mentor about a summer internship opportunity.

In a couple of months it’ll be two years since I’ve graduated from college so most internships and fellowships don’t apply to me, so my heart started racing when I saw I actually did qualify for this one.

My heart started trying to beat out of my chest when I saw the details. A summer in New York, housing arranged, travel covered plus a paid internship.

It’s perfect.

And I want it. Badly.

So the race to fill out the application began. I pulled up my resume, picked out some work examples, hunted for references and then finally got to work on an essay.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous or excited writing an essay.

The idea of this opportunity has me fired up.

But it’s also got me scared.

Because what if I don’t get it?

I’ve gone into situations similar to this before, where I’ll find an amazing position that sounds like my dream job and I’ll go into it feeling confident… only to fail terribly. I’m scared because I can already feel myself putting all my hopes and dreams and wishes and whatever else into this application, into this one program.

I’m afraid I’ll be devastated if it doesn’t happen.

I finally feel like I’m nearing a place where I’m ready to get back out there and resume my career and my life. The timing is perfect.

I’m hoping that the universe is smiling down on me and that things will work out for a change.

This is my fourth depression report. I am fired up and hopeful but also a little petrified. A lot petrified. Trying to stay positive without setting my expectations too high. Everyone wish me luck!

~ Kayla



The Depression Report: small victories

Last week was… a good one.

No big breakdowns, no terrible stretches of uncontrollable crying, not too much time spent lingering on my mistakes and failures.

I took a major step last Friday towards getting my life back on track. Went to the DMV (which had a surprisingly short wait) and got my driving permit.

I’ll admit that while I was taking the permit test, my heart was racing and I had doubts that I would be able to do it. But once I passed (with only three missed questions) I felt such a relief and such a burden lifted from my shoulders.

Of course that was only to be replaced by the fear of, you know, actually driving a car.

But out of the pan and into the fire I went and immediately went around driving for a bit. I don’t think I was ever more nervous or tense getting into a car, but after the half hour of practice, I felt so good about myself for overcoming one of my fears.

This beat up, annotated manual is one I have had for years. Before it represented all the times that I have tried and failed to overcome my fears, only to succumb to the hardest parts. Now it stands as a symbol for my strength and resilience, as a reminder that yes, I can grit my teeth and overcome my fears and do the hard thing.

I’m hoping to remember that and remember the feeling of accomplishment I had on Friday afternoon to push myself further every day to do better and work harder.

This is my third Depression Report. And things are looking good.

~ Kayla



The Depression Report: Shower thoughts

I sat in the shower for an hour today, just to cry.

I didn’t have music playing in the shower tonight, which I usually do, and that left me alone with my thoughts in a deafening sort of silence where the only sound was the water raining down.

It wasn’t loud enough to drown out my inner monologue.

I found myself being bombarded by thoughts of “you’re a failure, you’re not good enough, you’re unwanted.”

I like to cry in the shower because the water disguises my tears and I can almost fool myself into thinking that everything is okay – that the tears aren’t real.

But they are.

I sat in the shower today and thought of my life as a sandcastle. And the waves keep coming in a destroying it and I’m trying to hold it all together, to rebuild it, with my bare hands. But I can’t quite seem to work quick enough and my hands aren’t big enough to hold it all together.

And so I cry. And I add to the water chipping away at my life with my tears.

I wish I had a moral for the story, a big lesson that I learned from my shower breakdown. But in all honesty, it was just another shower cry that will get added onto the long list of shower cries I’ve had in the past. There was nothing different or extraordinary about this one.

My eyes are tired are raw from the tears.

~ Kayla

P.S. Your regularly scheduled newsy post will be up tomorrow! *fingers crossed*

The Depression Report: is home a refuge or a hell?

I had to move back home last year after spending a few years out on my own. And the sudden intrusion on my independence has been taking a toll on me. But perhaps what’s been most damaging has been the complete lack of support from my parents.

Admittedly I’ve been dragging my feet with the job hunt. A couple of things are holding me back; most simply is the fact that I don’t have a car (which is code for I don’t know how to drive) which severely limits my options.

Honestly, I’ve been slow to getting my permit because the not driving thing is a much more acceptable answer for being stuck at home than what the truth is. The truth is I’m scared. I’m scared because if I move away to a big city for a job, I’m not all that sure I’m in a mentally stable enough place to survive on my own.

After having roommates for years, I spent some months alone in my own studio and that isolation was a huge contributor to my depression.

I’m afraid if I go back to a situation like that… well I’m afraid I’ll fall even deeper into this hole of depression and that I won’t ever be able to get out.

So I’m trying, trying to put myself back together first but it’s been so difficult. When not everyone knows that you’re breaking, it’s so easy, so easy for them to knock a piece of you down. At the beginning of the week a piece of me was knocked down. And I am trying desperately to save it.

I just hope I can put enough of myself back together before too much of me has been destroyed and I lose the strength to try.

This is my second Depression Report. The beginning of this week was not a good one. Hoping to find some rays of sunshine through the clouds.

~ Kayla

P.S. Went on a 4 hour hike today and spotted some sunshine through the clouds.


The Depression Report: First breakdown of 2017

This week was a good week – until out of nowhere it was not.

Six days. I made it six days into 2017 before having my first breakdown.

I’ve been doing pretty well the past few weeks, I can’t really remember the last time I had a full on ugly-cry breakdown.

But when 8 o’clock Friday night rolled around, I found myself dissolving into tears.

I was caught in this seemingly never ending cycle of  having “you’re a failure, you’re not good enough and you’re going to be stuck feeling like this forever” just repeating in my head over and over and over again.

But the thing that got to me the most was thinking about how I was waiting for something – a person, a job, a new city, something – to change how I was feeling instead of taking control to change things myself.

I’ve been in this rut for months – and really depression has been suffocating me for more than a year – but I am just now really starting to claw my way out.

Because instead of lying in the dark I lit some candles – because they make me happy. Instead of laying in the dark I am writing – I am thinking bigger and farther than my depression. Instead of lying in the dark I reached out and texted a friend to remind myself that I am not alone.

Instead of letting my first breakdown of 2017 pull me down, I am telling it to fuck off because I am stronger and better than my demons.

This is my week one Depression Report. Every weekend I’ll post an update reflecting on the past week’s triumphs and struggles. Here’s to hoping there are more triumphs than struggles this year.

~ Kayla